November 11

Nov. 11

I loved Prague. I’m thinking about it a lot right now because my neighborhood in Auckland (Mount Eden) is like a Vitorian version of my neighborhood in Prague (Hradcany). I met some wonderful people in Prague. I loved the city, and it is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. But. It was really hard. Partly because I was 19 and it was my first time away, but I think a lot of it was about the place itself. Being here isn’t hard. I am not really a big picture person. I prefer everything on a very individual level. I don’t like large groups because the individuals are blurred. I strongly believe in individual good. I really try to look for the good, the unnecessary kindness in every person I meet. I live for the moments when I witness strangers doing something sweet when they think nobody’s watching. People tended to hide that in Prague, as if goodness within was a character flaw and a source of shame. I don’t think it was less common there, but it was really hard to see. That was hard for me. I don’t even have to look here. It’s everywhere. It’s encouraged, it’s something to be proud of and to share. Everyday I find good in strangers. Everyday, I rely on a stranger for help. And tonight, I was able to help a couple guys who just got here from Barcelona. They needed food, they needed direction, they needed to figure out this place and I was able to help them. It felt great. I owe the world so much kindness. I love the kindness here. Even when I’m having a bit of a tough time, when I’m a little worried about money and finding a job, and missing home –it warms me.
Parts of today were a bit lonely . Overall, it was good. But, I called someone about vineyard work and they’re full. I’m worried about money. I went to a movie, even though it cost money, but I just needed to escape my head for a bit. I was completely alone, not just in my screening, but in the entire theater, in all the screenings. (Really cool, intimate theater—my room was only 16 seats. 4 row of 3 seats, and a row of 4. Really beautiful). So, I needed to get out of my head and it was raining and I was sick of roaming the library like a homeless person, which I kind of feel like I am. I’m also reminding myself that the weather really has an effect on me so the fact that it’s the first grey day and my first grey mood is not coincidental. But I’m always so internally dramatic. I don’t think that’s something you’d guess about me. I think I give off a mellow vibe. But my heart is always ready to burst with something—love, joy, fear, loneliness. It’s just so internal. I’m either feeling ecstatic or completely downtrodden. I can’t seem to find a middle ground. I can’t just feel peacefully content. It has to be extreme. I have to be extreme.
I went to a couchsurfer’s meeting. I met a few really cool people. How fantastic is it that I just glide in and out of these places and leave having met so many people from all over the world? Anyway, it was a a challenge to make myself go. I really don’t like these really big groups and it’s uncomfortable going to a bar on my own. You give me almost any person one on one and I’ll love talking to them for an hour. But small talk, even when everyone is insecure and trying to meet people and in the same situation, it’s just difficult. I can do okay, because otherwise I’m just standing there alone. I met a woman who’s been sailing around the world for the past 2 years with her boyfriend, a girl from Finland who I may go up North with in a couple days. Woman from Indianappolis. Everyone has a different story rooted from the same desire for change and uncertainty. Everyone wants excitement.